I wonder, a lot, why no one wants to date me. That’s what it feels like anyway. Often times the thoughts of what am I doing wrong or what’s wrong with me linger in my head for weeks. Year after year I hope my luck would change but it hasn’t. I’ve had to battle depression and anxiety over this among other things. It may not seem like a big deal to most but it matters to me. Especially since everything around me is a constant reminder that I’m alone. Nobody wants to be alone forever. A lot of times it feels like I’m going to be. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy for those around me that are in relationships, married or on their way to be married. But when is it going to be my turn? I can’t even get a single date let alone someone to actually like me for me. I don’t know what to think or do anymore. It just seems like I can’t have any type of luck and I feel like that’s pathetic. I’m almost 30. It saddens me a lot. The nagging from my mom about it makes me feel even worse. Sometimes it paralyzes me to where I don’t want to get out of bed. I so badly want to tell her no one wants me. As this year closes I’m reminded that I’ll be bringing in another year alone. I really don’t want to give up but my hope is hanging by a very thin thread at this point. I’ll just try to continue to work on myself one day at a time God willing.
When you grow up seeing and dealing with stuff that you didn’t ask for, it’s hard to not be jaded at some point in your life. At 27 I just now hit the acceptance stage. I’m getting older and I am realizing more and more how heavy those burdens that have been weighing on my back have been. As they say hindsight is 20/20. If that’s not the truth I don’t know what is. At this stage of my life I want to be in a healthy relationship that will lead to marriage and God willing a family. But I have to let go and accept that the past is the past. Maybe it’s out of fear that it took me so long to get here. I didn’t want to be like people before me. I at one point hated my parents for the environment that I grew up in. Til this day I’m still dealing with anger and resentment towards my parents for dealing with stuff I didn’t even ask for. Nothing was my fault. I didn’t ask to be stuck in the middle of two grown people who didn’t know how to communicate, especially when it came to me. I didn’t ask to grow up in a separate house from my younger sisters. I didn’t ask for all of those empty promises that my dad told me up until I was 25 years old. I didn’t ask to move around every other year up until I was 15 because my mom was in the army following the man she married who was also in the army only to get divorced before I even turned 15. I didn’t ask for any of that on top of the failed relationships outweighing the successful ones I saw growing up. None of that was my fault but I was the one that was most affected by all of it. So yeah I was jaded for a while especially when it came to relationships with men. I’ve only been in 2 relationships, both failed. Cheated on by one and dumped by the other. A lot of times I wish I didn’t have to grow up the way I did. I know some people have had it way worse than I did but I can only tell my story. My very complicated story of unfairness that I didn’t ask for. But I’m finally accepting that what’s done is done. I always say that there’s a reason for me being the way that I am. I’m very guarded but still learning how to open up…to some people not all. I keep to myself but I’m observant. The last thing you’ll do is think you can step all over me and get away with it. I guess in a way being jaded has made me realize that I’m a lot stronger and smarter than I give myself credit for and that I no longer have a problem with standing up for myself. Because we all know that speaking up for yourself in the black family is considered talking back and being disrespectful. That will be one of the many dynamics that I will change if I have my own family one day. I refuse to let my kids grow up the way I did.
Growing is hard…but it’s needed.
Black television is winning…and I’m not talking about black actors and actresses solely having a leading roles. I’m talking about black television in its entirety: leading roles, supporting roles, writing, production, and directing.
Let me tell you that I am here for all of it. It is about damn time that these talented people get the respect that’s long overdue. We are telling our own stories, doing it our way. How can you not love that? If you can’t respect it then I can’t respect you.
Representation is one of the most important things to black audiences. So the fact that we not only have great actresses and actors, we have amazing writers, producers and directors. Combine all of those talents on one project, you get black excellence to the tenth power.
We are doing it on our terms…like I said before I’m here for all of it. Salute to every single person of color trying to make it in the entertainment business. It’s hard enough being an everyday black person so to be successful in a small minded business like Hollywood you need all of the support you can get.
Luckily we are seeing more and more people of color paving the way for the next, in front of and behind the camera. It’s inspirational and uplifting. I don’t know about you but I love seeing my people telling my story. It’s a reminder of the humanity we get stripped of daily.
We are only getting better. But we have to continue to support on every level; from your own backyard to Hollywood. We have the power so let’s continue the progress!
***Every show pictured in this post are a few of the shows I am truly a fan of.***
I will never understand why we still have to say black lives matter. Is it 2017 or 1950? These days I can’t tell. Race relations are as alive today as they were back then.
WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS.
WE DESERVE BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS.
If all lives truly mattered there wouldn’t be a black lives matter movement. Point blank. This is not and will never be up for debate. Now more than ever people have the need to open their mouths to spew out hate openly thinking there won’t be any consequences because of a certain ass clown that got elected as president somehow.
But listen up. I’m not the one. Nor will I ever be. I treat people as humans first until someone wants to say/do something stupid regarding a person’s appearance to an innocent person or persons. These are trying times and we have to stand up for what’s right bottom line. I have to hold myself and those who I associate with accountable at all times.
I WILL NOT ACCEPT RACISM OR ANY TYPE OF DISCRIMINATION. EVER.
Why is it that I have to walk around on guard even more now? Not only do I have to look out for egotistical, entitled “men” everywhere I go, but I also have to be on guard for the racists assholes (men and women) who feel like they have to share their unsolicited opinions.
I have zero tolerance for a lot more now that I’m getting older. Even the slightest hint of something derogatory or racist or anything similar gets nipped right then and there. I don’t owe anybody anything and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. A lot of people don’t realize that I can and will hold my own even if I’m standing by myself. People constantly make the assumption oh I’m just a kid I don’t know anything.
NEWS FLASH. You should never assume anything about anyone because 9 times out of 10 you’re wrong. Especially with me because I’m grown as hell and far from an idiot. More importantly, I’m just getting started. I will forever be a student and a teacher of my culture. Those who don’t like it can keep it moving. Far away from me.
I’m tired of seeing my people being mistreated and murdered for something as simple as their skin color. We get made fun of for creating new things and then get them stolen from us. When will the hate end? We created the world yet we are the most hated people on the planet.
But we still keep going. You can’t tell me that black people aren’t the strongest as they come. We have endured the most. And we are still dealing with centuries of embedded hate of every kind in every way. But we are tired. It’s 2017 and we STILL aren’t t treated as human beings. We are STILL FIGHTING.
My generation has risen. We have an absolute zero tolerance for racism and discrimination. We aren’t brainwashed by the bs “news” that the big media companies spits out daily. Our eyes are wide open and we are teaching our children that they can make a difference and to love themselves unapologetically. We’ve come a long way but we still have a long way to go because the powers that be are teaching generational hate down the line.
We have the power. We just have to use it. We can’t turn on each other and spew out hate against our own. That’s not an option. Not now not ever. We make our own standard. Stop looking to others to see if you fit theirs.
BLACK LIVES MATTER. ALWAYS. FOREVER.
My energy is my inner G. My true self. My peace. My being. It must be protected at all costs now more than ever if I want to survive and thrive in this cruel world. A true G is self aware and is willing to grow and be better than yesterday.
Self care has become more of a priority in these last few years because of personal battles and because of the increasing violence and corruption that’s consuming the world around me. Up until a few years ago I didn’t realize that I really absorb others negative energy so much that it automatically affected my mood and eventually lead into dictating how my day was going to go afterwards. Then one day came the epiphany. And it was in that moment I realized that I can’t others’ bad moods affect me in any way shape or form any longer.
Not to say that I won’t empathize because I definitely will. But if you want to just take your anger out on me when I didn’t do anything to you, please do us both a favor and just stay away. I have to make a conscious effort to protect myself and my energy 100% of the time.
Since that day I have been on the road to making self care a priority. It was tough in the beginning but now I have discovered multiple ways to channel positive energy and release any negative energy that tries to break my spirit.
We are constantly bombarded with negative news and attitudes faster than ever before. So it is up to us as individuals and as a group to know and say enough is enough and take time to regroup and get back to the positive energies and vibes. It’s an ongoing battle but it can be won.
Respect MY Energy (Inner G).
***This post was inspired by a line said by Logic (he’s good look him up) and I put my own spin on it.***
“It’s easier to raise a confident child than fix a broken adult..”(my own take of a saying that I recently heard that made total sense to me).
To the little black and brown girls and boys that are growing up at this moment be you 1000% everyday, all day. Live in your truth no matter what. Love the skin you’re in. Love the natural state of your hair. If you want to do something do it because you want to not because someone else wants you to. You are not a threat. Your skin is not a threat. You are here for a reason.
This is my message to you as well as myself. This is a message that I didn’t learn until the beginning stages of adulthood. Sadly I didn’t learn this as a child or even a teenager. A lot of times I often think had I been taught this growing up I would think differently. But I can’t dwell on the past. Especially not now. I’ve always been a “late bloomer” (as I used to call myself) anyway. But now I realize that God made me the way I am for a reason and nothing is really “late” it’s just my time. I fought hard to get passed that and I’m finally on the winning side of that battle.
But it doesn’t mean that insecurity is completely erased out of my mind. It just means I know how to fight it effectively. So if I ever become a mother (I’m sure I’ll be an aunt before then but I’m okay with that) I will make sure that my child will learn confidence early rather than late. That is my number one mission if I don’t teach anything else. If for some reason I don’t birth any kids of my own, my future cousins, nephews, nieces and godchildren will get this same lesson.
As long as I am alive and have influence, I will make it my number one priority to show/teach confidence to tomorrows leaders because confidence affects anything and everything and the last thing this world needs is more broken adults who have to unlearn everything that was taught to them.
To the Hometown Hero who writes, produces and performs his own aka Mr. Jermaine,
You are one of the few males that I can look up to for entertainment, knowledge, and pride all at the same time. I was born in the same city that you are from (Ft. Bragg to be exact). You share the same birthday as my grandmother that I was named after. I too lived in Germany and come from a military family. While these things may seem minor to most, to me they’re huge because it’s cool for me to talk about these things thanks to you. You are the only artist that I have things in common with and to me that makes the music set in a little deeper. I know I’m not the only one who has these things in common with you but I can only speak on my behalf. You gave us a voice when we didn’t have one. Now more than ever when I mention Fayetteville people instantly say “J. Cole!”. (A lot of people still think “Fayettenam” is the actual name of the city. I kinda laugh it off and tell them that’s just a nickname for not so good reasons.)
Every word you’ve ever rapped about college I either went through myself or knew someone who did. (I was in college when Friday Night Lights came out.) Other various topics you’ve talked about over the four albums and multiple mixtapes I’ve somehow related to in each of the projects you put out. You are the only artist I’ve watched in concert multiple times and have literally enjoyed each show to the fullest. You sir are a legend. Dreamville is a movement that is only getting stronger with each artist you sign. Very few artists, in my opinion, can reach peoples minds and hearts equally. You are human with a gift that speaks into others’ gifts. We as true fans respect the growth and appreciate the past at the same time with your work. For me personally, somehow each album was the sound track to real life events and experiences during their respective release years. I don’t know how but it literally felt like you were telling my life story in some way. No other artist has been able to do that through their music for me. This is why you are my favorite now and forever, even if or when you decide to retire. (Part of me hopes not but a bigger part of me would understand and respect it).
I hope your family is proud of you. Especially your mom, who passed down her greatness(because moms are badass). More so, I hope you are proud of you. Dreamville has some of the most loyal and real fans out there. We bond over how much we relate to the music that is being made under this movement, by all artists involved. You’ve started a legacy that’s not going anywhere anytime soon. Everything you’ve spoken has come to life. So I take after this example and apply it to my own life. You remind us that everything will happen when it’s supposed to. You remind us to keep going when we wanna stop. You also entertain us as well as teach us something new. You remind us that you are human and so are we. You remind us that we are legends in our own ways whether we become famous or not. The biggest reminder that I will take away is to be myself no matter what. I have been given the strength to stand on my own but I also know that I always don’t have to. So Thank You to you and Dreamville for the music and knowledge and inspiration. I will always continue to support my favorite movement.
Friday Night Lights is forever my favorite mixtape and 2014 Forest Hills Dr. will forever be my favorite album.
A lifetime fan from the ‘ville.
Person: …oh so where did you go to college?
Me: (already feeling the judgement as I gather the right words to explain why I chose the school I graduated from) I went to a small school in North Carolina Johnson C. Smith University.
Person:…..(looking confused and passing judgement at the same time) oh ok.
Let me first say, for a while I didn’t always tell people where I went to school because I was tired of being looked down on and judged for going to an HBCU. It was almost like I always had to prove that I got a “real education” and a “real degree” every time someone asked where I went to college. It didn’t matter if the person who was asking me was black or white or any other color because if they didn’t go to one themselves they instantly judged those who did go to an HBCU.
Then, after a while I just said F it. I don’t care. YES I DID GO TO A HISTORICALLY BLACK COLLEGE and YES I DID GRADUATE ON TIME WITH HONORS. MY DEGREE IS REAL. MY EDUCATION IS REAL. I would always get a crazy look or “why did you go to a black school?” or “that’s not a real school” or “never heard of it”. I’m going to be honest. If you are going to judge me for going to an HBCU then don’t bother to even try to talk to me about anything else. Period. My patience is at zero for a lot of things nowadays and that’s high on my list.
I always say that there are a lot of dummies with degrees and a lot of geniuses without degrees. But people show their true colors when they judge you on whether you went to a PWI or an HBCU. To this point I say it’s good for kids who look like me to have at least one HBCU experience. Whether if it is just taking a class or two here and there or going there full time or even visiting or volunteering. HBCUs have produced some of, if not the majority of, the most successful black people of all time.
There is so much history at each and every one of these types of colleges and universities. These schools were built because no one wanted black people to be educated and learn our true history. They shut us out so we built our own. They were mad when we tried to learn beside them and then they got mad when we took matters in our own hands. The crazy thing is…they’re still mad because they tried to burry us but we kept growing. Not to shun PWIs because they as well have produced the Baracks and Michelles but there is something special about schools like my alma mater. Big and small. HBCUs matter. Period.
I’m exhausted. Mentally and now physically. I’m tired of seeing my people die everyday now at the hands of “cops”. When will it ever end? Why do I have to prove my humanity every second of everyday? Better question why is it even questioned in the first place? I come from a culture that is the most imitated and the most hated at the same time. That doesn’t even make sense to me. I wanna know who/what is training is like in the current police academy across the country b/c they all seem to have one common goal. “They kill our fathers then make fun of us for not having them in our lives”. Why is it that I can’t walk outside for even a second without anxiety, stress and worry for myself let alone other family members and friends because someone doesn’t like the color of my skin or what I look like. All of those things become heightened to a whole other level because I am a woman. Imagine having to live like that for a lifetime. And y’all expect me to bring kids into this world? Black kids at that. If I have a child(ren) and they are harmed in any way and I mean any there’s going to be hell to pay bottom line. There have been too many lives lost because of senseless violence because we were born with melanin. We continually get something stolen from us on a daily basis. I’m tired of it. The first one to tell me to not be “an angry black woman” will get cut off for life. I refuse to deal with that nonsense any longer. You don’t like it get the hell on. I can and have done well on my own two feet. As long as I got God I’m good. He will put the right people in my life even if it’s just one or two. I’m tired of saying I’m tired of this. If you can’t empathize and respect my opinion you will be cut off. Done deal. The fact that we still have to repeat this same message that’s been repeated constantly for centuries is the very problem. We’ve made progress and that’s what scares these racists. But we have to keep going forward and not backward. We can no longer afford to go back anymore. History has repeated itself for way too long. The institution of racism needs to be destroyed and history books need to be rewritten with the truth. So STOP SAYING RACISM DOES NOT EXIST b/c it does.
YOU’RE NOT GOING TO MAKE ME APOLOGIZE FOR THE SKIN THAT I WAS BORN IN. You can’t constantly steal my culture, my inventions, my family, my friends, my brothers, my sisters, my music and style without a fight.
YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE ME APOLOGIZE FOR THE SKIN IM IN. My people are human, warriors, soldiers, kings, queens, creators and innovators. Most of all UNAPOLOGETIC for being great.
We get torn down on a daily basis. For what? Because we are “feared”. Because we are a “threat”. But we are the most imitated and stolen from. Does that make any sense? NOT AT ALL. We are just trying to make it like everyone else. But we are not everyone else. WE ARE GREAT. WE ARE AMAZING. WE ARE QUEENS. WE ARE KINGS.
We won’t be stopped no matter how much they try to exterminate us.
WE WILL WIN.
I finally realized the bigger parts of the reason why I’m on this earth. Why God hasn’t given up on me. Why I’m becoming a better person for myself. It’s because I’m becoming the person that I didn’t have growing up. Even when it seems like I don’t get the genuine support I give, I have to remember God always sees what’s been given. The saying goes something like “you get what you put out” but is that always true? I don’t know. A lot of times I feel like I just need to fall back and see who’s really supportive and actually notice that I’ve fallen back. From experience of doing this I’ve learned to take everything with a grain of salt at this point. As my granny always said “God sees you. You work for Him not man”. I’m noticing that more and more. He made me able to stand alone when I have to…and lately that seems to be the norm. No offense to those who I know/support but I know who truly has my back when I feel this way.
So huge THANK YOU to those who actually notice and forgive me for not saying it enough. And to those who don’t/barely support me…it’s cool. I don’t do things to expect something back. That’s not me. But I do take notes. I am truly thankful for the ones who genuinely support me and all my craziness and I pray that they will continue to be in my corner like I will always be in theirs. Those in and outside of my bloodline. Everyone you’re related to isn’t family and everyone you know aren’t your friends. It took me years to finally realize this. I’ll always love my family because that’s just how I am. Even if they don’t love me back. I’ll always love my TRUE friends because they’ve loved me back.