When you grow up seeing and dealing with stuff that you didn’t ask for, it’s hard to not be jaded at some point in your life. At 27 I just now hit the acceptance stage. I’m getting older and I am realizing more and more how heavy those burdens that have been weighing on my back have been. As they say hindsight is 20/20. If that’s not the truth I don’t know what is. At this stage of my life I want to be in a healthy relationship that will lead to marriage and God willing a family. But I have to let go and accept that the past is the past. Maybe it’s out of fear that it took me so long to get here. I didn’t want to be like people before me. I at one point hated my parents for the environment that I grew up in. Til this day I’m still dealing with anger and resentment towards my parents for dealing with stuff I didn’t even ask for. Nothing was my fault. I didn’t ask to be stuck in the middle of two grown people who didn’t know how to communicate, especially when it came to me. I didn’t ask to grow up in a separate house from my younger sisters. I didn’t ask for all of those empty promises that my dad told me up until I was 25 years old. I didn’t ask to move around every other year up until I was 15 because my mom was in the army following the man she married who was also in the army only to get divorced before I even turned 15. I didn’t ask for any of that on top of the failed relationships outweighing the successful ones I saw growing up. None of that was my fault but I was the one that was most affected by all of it. So yeah I was jaded for a while especially when it came to relationships with men. I’ve only been in 2 relationships, both failed. Cheated on by one and dumped by the other. A lot of times I wish I didn’t have to grow up the way I did. I know some people have had it way worse than I did but I can only tell my story. My very complicated story of unfairness that I didn’t ask for. But I’m finally accepting that what’s done is done. I always say that there’s a reason for me being the way that I am. I’m very guarded but still learning how to open up…to some people not all. I keep to myself but I’m observant. The last thing you’ll do is think you can step all over me and get away with it. I guess in a way being jaded has made me realize that I’m a lot stronger and smarter than I give myself credit for and that I no longer have a problem with standing up for myself. Because we all know that speaking up for yourself in the black family is considered talking back and being disrespectful. That will be one of the many dynamics that I will change if I have my own family one day. I refuse to let my kids grow up the way I did.
Growing is hard…but it’s needed.