I often question myself on why I haven’t had much luck in the dating world these last few years. Is it my looks? Is it my personality? Is it a combination of both? Is it the way I dress?Am I off putting? What can it be? These and many other questions plague my mind now more than ever. Everyone around me seems to be moving on with their dating lives… but me? I’ve just been alone. What am I doing wrong? Or maybe it isn’t me. Maybe its the pool of guys in this generation that I’ve been stuck with. I often think that I was born into the wrong generation. I’m not like everyone else my age. It seems like I’m too much for guys my age because I’m not an idiot. No one seems to be able to handle a relationship with me without leaving me hanging or just up and leaving with no warning. Hence the questions that often come up. The common denominator of these failed relationships has been me. Again, what am I doing wrong? I don’t know what a successful relationship looks like because every relationship I have been exposed to growing up failed. So therefore I don’t know how to be in a successful relationship. As with many other things this is something I have to learn on my own. At this point I’m just tired of failing. I don’t want to be alone anymore. I also wonder if this is a generational thing in regards to those who came before me. Am I a part of a generational curse? Whatever it is, it sucks. I feel like my friends feel sorry for me but are glad they aren’t me. Yes I know everything takes time and the last thing I want to do is to have yet another failed relationship on my record but this has been going on for the last few years now. I thought I was going to be married or at least engaged by this time. Boy was I wrong. So very wrong. I don’t know what to do or where to even begin to change/fix things. I spend a lot of time alone these days. They say if you can’t be fine by yourself you can’t be good in a relationship. Well I do like my alone time and being in my own space but I do long for companionship every once in a while. Let’s be real. No one wants to be alone forever. I sure don’t. At this point I just feel like I’m not cut out for this dating game or whatever you want to call it. I don’t know what’s going to happen this year as far as my love life goes. But my faith in love is hanging by a string at this point. I don’t want to give up but it’s very tempting. It’s said that the man is supposed to find the woman not the other way around. Here’s to hoping the one that’s made for me will find me because I haven’t had much luck at going out to find him.
As I am getting older I realize that I am still learning; about myself, the world around me, the people around me, the people who are in and outside of my bloodline that I call friends and family and much more. My uncle once told me that I am wise beyond my years. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing considering what I’ve had to deal with in my past as well as what I am dealing with in the present that could very well affect my future. At this very moment I am trying to learn different ways to break the traditions and generational curses that I may or may not be aware of. I am realizing more and more that I need to create my own standards, start/lead new trends, and figure out my way of doing things so that I can leave my mark on this earth before I leave it. I’m going into the next phase of my life (dirty 30’s) in a few years and I want to live. I want to have multiple avenues of income so that I can not only live and experience new things but help others as well. I have big dreams to help people but I need the funds and time to help those dreams become reality. I feel like I’m off to a great start. Finally. But I can’t stop now. I refuse to at this point. I’ve come a long way but still have a whole journey ahead of me. God willing I will live long enough to complete my assignment before I am judged. The last thing I want to do is have more regrets than anything else. Yeah it sounds cliché but I am realizing more and more that it’s true. I believe in myself and there’s a few people who believe in me as well. But most of all I know I can do it and I will do it. I am my biggest fan and I am okay with it. No more battles with myself. That’s the biggest lesson I could learn. But I’m still learning…and that’s okay.
Over the last few years I’ve learned not to look for or depend on others to have the same enthusiasm/excitement as you when it comes to personal accomplishments. Even close family members can and will shoot down your dreams…if you let them. 9 times/10 if its something that they don’t believe in, agree with or even support it will show in their faces and definitely come out in their so called “oh that’s cool” expression. You could be so excited about something, like a new job opportunity for example, one minute and the next you could feel so small because the excitement isn’t reciprocated from that person you told. Then criticism and comparison follows. Instead of that person or persons being at least a little excited for you, your parade is being rained on because they aren’t happy with their own lives or they say you should have done something else or many other reasons. I have experienced this first hand and it doesn’t feel good at all. Maybe it had to do with my self esteem or maybe I just wanted some genuine support or maybe I was just reading into it too deep. Only God knows why I felt a certain way. But not anymore. I had to learn this lesson through experience or “the hard way”. I learned that I have to be my own biggest fan. I have to be confident in my choices that are going to catapult me into my destiny as well as learn from my mistakes. If I let others’ feelings overpower my own then I will never be happy and I will always look for confirmation. That’s no way to live. I stand alone for a reason: I can and will hold my own against a crowd; even against family members. So in all everyone has to find their unique solution to this experience. Mine is telling little to no one at all about my future endeavors; releasing as little details as possible if anyone truly wants to know what my future plans are. My work will speak for itself in due time and everything will come to light. Those who genuinely support will understand the methods to the madness. In the words of my favorite artist “If they don’t know your dreams they can’t shoot ’em down”.
Where do I begin? I have so many thoughts about what is going on at this very moment in my life and in this world I live in. I’m black. I’m a woman. I have problems like everyone else. Eventually you get tired of being judged, talked about, talked down to, and mistreated because of my appearance alone. Let me tell you something. You should NEVER assume anything about anyone at anytime. I am a living example of why you shouldn’t do this ever in your life of living on this earth. People try to talk down to me for many reasons, the main one being the way I look because I don’t look my age….that is until I open my mouth and shut it down really quick and leave them feeling as small as an ant. That’s just one of the many issues I have with today’s society. This society is so unnecessarily judgmental and hateful towards women and people of color. And I happen to be a part of both of those groups. Nowadays its more frustrating than ever because people assume and make judgements rather than educate themselves. I’m tired of having to prove myself everyday that I am a lot more than what you see on the surface. Again this is unnecessary from every angle that you look at it. It’s exhausting on every level.
This blog is based on my own thoughts and no one else’s. It will be used as a venting tool to express anything and everything that comes to mind. Opinions and thoughts are welcome but at the same time this is a judge-free zone. These thoughts are my own. My mind is simple yet complex. Readers will see the world through double minority eyes and hopefully learn something new. Let’s begin the journey.