When will it be my turn?

Today I ask myself the seemingly age old question of when is it going to be my turn? I found out that a family friend’s son is having his first kid. So that means yet another person that I know is getting what I want. Every time I turn around someone is getting what I want, what I pray for. In this last week I found out about another engagement, another marriage and now a pregnancy.

I hate myself for not being as excited as I should be but I can’t help but ask when is it my turn? Here I am still trying to deal with all of this grief along with stress from work and trying to make my relationship work. While everyone else is getting what I want. I know I’m not supposed to compare myself to others and I have to run my own race but right now it’s hard. I feel like I’m behind yet again. All I want to do is cry because I always feel like I am behind.

I have to make a conscious effort to remind myself to not compare, God put promises on my heart that will come to pass and that my turn will come and things will turn around. But today was rough. I want to be happy for everyone and I don’t want to step on their moment because it’s not about me. But it’s hard right now. Everyone deserves to enjoy their moments and I would want them to be happy for me.

So I need to straighten up. I would honestly rather be by myself when I feel this way because I don’t want bring bad or sad energy around happy moments. I want to get passed this feeling because it sucks.

Grief Sucks

I hate grief. Grief sucks and I’m honestly tired of it. It’s mentally draining and physically tiring. I’ve lost all of my grandparents in less than 2 years (may they all rest peacefully in Heaven). I feel like I have nothing left to give emotionally.

I’m angry and want justice for my grandmother who’s life was taken. I miss my grandmother that was a big part of my life literally from when I was just days old up until I became a homeowner. I miss my grandfather and how he’d always remembered things that I would’ve never remembered.

It feels like I have been grieving forever. Just as I was finally getting to a good point of acceptance, I get punched in the gut and have to start the grieving process over again. I never thought I would have to deal with losing them this way. They were supposed to see me get married if I ever did. They were supposed to meet their great grand children if I ever had kids. Now they won’t.

It’s been such a hard thing to deal with but I know eventually it’ll be okay. But I need time. Now more than ever. Grief sucks and I hate it.

Resentful?

Maybe I am resentful of a lot of things. Maybe I’m just having trouble letting go of the hurt that I didn’t ask for. Maybe it’s a little bit of both.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines resentment as a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury. In my world lingering pain has turned into resentment and it needs to stop.

When you have a big heart you tend to care too much and the ending result is almost never to your advantage. Your bar for basic expectations gets lower and lower as time goes on. Honestly I’m to the point now where I hate that I still expect basic things from people, especially family members, and still get mad at them for not reciprocating when I know damn well what the outcome will be.

I guess it’s still the very little hope that something could change even though its most likely not going to. I guess it takes losing someone close to you make you realize how things really are if that makes any bit of sense.

Maybe I am resentful of a lot of things because I didn’t have control. Because I know how I would’ve handled things a lot differently. I resent certain family members because they could have done certain things a lot better than they did.

I try to get through it but the pain still lingers. There’s always something that comes up to remind me and it sucks. I don’t want to let any resentment bleed over into a new relationship but I’m afraid that it already has. It’s been hard to deal with and I really am trying to work through it.

The grieving process has never been an easy one. I’m tired. Tired of expecting the bare minimum and still getting nothing. Tired of feeling like I’m always the one getting shitted on but have to act like everything is okay because no one will ever talk to me again of I air out my grievances.

I always feel like I get the short end of the stick some how some way. I’m always expected to just roll with whatever happens. It’s just not fair. It’s easy to say “you just have to make up in your mind that you can’t let anyone or anything get you down”. But a lot of times actually doing that is so much harder.

Everyone deals with things differently. Some move on faster than others. For me some days are better than others. One day I could be 100% good. The next day I don’t want to be bothered with anyone. Its just really hard to accept sometimes that everyone doesn’t have the same heart as me. Even when it comes to doing the bare minimum.

No Chaser

I don’t know who needs to hear this but stop chasing people. If they don’t see you when you’re right in front of them let them go. I promised myself from here on out I will no longer chase people. I will no longer stay in one sided situations regardless of the type of relationship.

Good energy is precious and it does not need to be wasted on chasing people, trying to convince people that a good person stands before them. That’s not to say that I won’t do my part and not hold up my end but gone are the days of begging someone to stay.

If a person wants to walk away let them. God wouldn’t allow it if they were supposed to stay in your life. That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learned this year. Any time a person goes ghost I have to remind myself of that and keep going. Life goes on and stops for no one. Not even me.

So from here on out, I’ll be straight, no chaser.

Miss Independent

“Why don’t you ask for help?” “You’re always doing stuff by yourself”. “You’re so independent.” If you’re like me you’ve heard people say these things or something similar. Just like everyone else I am the way I am for a reason.

My independence comes from survival. Too many times I got left hanging or blown off by people who I actually thought would be there when I needed something. Too many times I heard nothing but empty promises that got my hopes up for nothing. These are the reasons why I rarely ask anyone for anything.

Eventually you get tired of it and learn to do for yourself. I learned this at an early age and it’s gotten me far. But as I get older I know I truly have to depend on God and no one else. People will fail you left and right. People will disappoint you at every turn. No one is perfect.

But there have been too many times where I just ask for the bare minimum communication and still got nothing. I really don’t ask for much and I still get shitted on. So instead of getting mad anymore I just take what people say with a grain of salt. My expectations of people are at a minimum because everyone dosen’t have the same heart as me except a few.

I’m not going to be treated any kind of way if I’m just asking for bare minimum communication or if I need a small favor. Again I don’t ask for much and I don’t mind helping because I actually keep my word 98% of the time. But any type of relationship is a 2 way street.

If you can’t do that or have issues with that then you will not be a part of my life. Life is too short to be around people who have issues with me having standards. I have to protect my energy and my space.

So yeah I’ll be Miss Independent if it means peace of mind.

What’s For You is For You Only

The saying “What’s for you is for you only” is pretty heavy and very true. I don’t know who needs to hear this but God hears you. God sees you. What He has for you is only for you and no one else.

It wasn’t until recent years that I began to see this more and more in my life. God will get your attention some how some way always whether you want to see it or not. I personally have been struggling with some stuff for years but I always end up coming back to this saying.

Recently I saw something on social media that said something like “if something is sent by God there will be no questions or confusion” I’m sure those aren’t the exact but you get the idea.

That’s when the light bulb went off in my head. It’s true. When there are signs that are telling you that something/someone isn’t going to work out, that’s usually God (or the universe) trying to get your attention.

In the last few years I’ve learned to pay a lot more attention to those signs. But me being me I still get frustrated because I want to know why it’s not working. I tend to blame myself and question what I’m doing wrong. I’ve struggled with this for years and still have to learn to trust Him and the process and not so much of my circumstances.

It’s a lifelong journey but if you’re still on it that means there’s work to be done still. I’m still here learning more and hopefully leading by example for the next to come after me. It’s not easy at all in the beginning. But as time goes on you’ll adjust and know what’s for you is for you only and no one else.

Stop Killing Us

How many more people have to be murdered for gun laws to change? How many more Black people do we have to lose in order for the community to make a change? Not to say that we haven’t progressed but we still have a long way to go.

We just lost another Black life way too soon. Rest In Peace Nipsey. Peace, love and support to Lauren and their kids, family and friends. I probably know the least about him but I’m still sad that his life was taken at only 33. That’s only 5 years older than me.

This still hits close to home because of so many reasons. No parent should have to bury their child. No child should have their parent taken away from them at such an early age. A spouse should not have to bury someone they love because of something like this. This is wrong. So very wrong.

There are too many people who are reliving this situation because of their own experiences with gun violence. Peace, love and support to those who are being reminded of their experience as well.

No human being on this earth is perfect. But from what I see/read and hear, Nipsey was really trying to make an impact in his community. That has been the common thread thus far.

But we all know as time goes on more things are going to come out about him good and bad. He was human. He had flaws. He needed to grow. He needed to make changes. He was also a good guy to Lauren. He was a good father. He was a man of his community.

All of these things can be true. Good does not negate bad and bad does not negate the good. I need more people to understand that. All of our favorites are problematic in some way. I, myself can be problematic too. We’re human. We’re not perfect and that’s okay. We all need to see that we are all complex. We are multiple things all in one.

As a Black community we are all that we have. We have to hold each other accountable. We have to support. We have to invest. We have to uplift. We have to educate. We have to love.

You can’t take pro Black if you continue to take part in oppression of those who are different from you. Recognize that Black people come in every shade of brown/black from the lightest to the darkest.

Recognize that Black people come in all shapes and sizes. Recognize that Black people are a part of the LGBTQA+ community. Recognize that we are human beings most of all. Every single one of us.

If you’re gonna claim being pro Black then that means you are for EVERYONE who’s is Black no matter what background. This world has shown us time and time again that it doesn’t respect us. “We all we got.” Nipsey’s famliy deserves justice and the person who took his life can rot under the jail.

STOP KILLING US.

Let Women be Women

If you identify as male, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO SPEAK ON HOW A WOMAN SHOULD DO ANYTHING! Not the way she acts. Not the way she dresses. NOTHING.

You especially have no valid opinion on what a woman does with HER body. No male is entitled to a woman in any way, shape or fashion.

Men need to learn to control themselves and cut the entitlement bs out. If more men held themselves accountable and call out others for the mistreatment of women and girls, patriarchy probably wouldn’t exist. The world might be a little less misogynistic.

But since that’s not the case, to this day, we’re still fighting for equality. A man couldn’t last a day in my shoes let alone any other woman’s shoes. Black women and girls are some of the most mistreated people in this society.

And people wonder why we’re hesitant to have kids these days. Why would I want to bring a child into this? I would go to war if I found out my daughter was mistreated in any kind of way by a man.

I wouldn’t care who it was. And if I had a son it would be the same thing. But he would be raised to respect women and would be held accountable if he decides to do otherwise.

Bottom line is that it isn’t that hard to respect women. Men always want to put the blame on us because THEY can’t control themselves. How is that even logical? News flash, it’s not.

Never has been. But here we are. That’s how misogynists operate. The patriarchy system is an age old system that has lived for far too long.

There have been major strides made in the last few years regarding more equality but there’s still more work to be done. It starts with the person looking back at you in the mirror.

Calling it out at every turn. Even if it’s calling your loved ones. I started doing this a while ago and it felt good every time. If we all do this, I’m positive future generations will not have to fight for equality. It will be their reality.

CREED Appreciation Post

Creed is one of my favorite movies for many reasons. I’m not really a fan of boxing but the storyline had me leaving the theater inspired. I walked out of the theater feeling like I could take on anything that came my way after I watched the first one and recently after the second.

I watched both of these movies as a former athlete who related to all of the mental and physical training and discipline that one goes through for that big game or big match or race. I also watched as a person looking for hope. Although the story is fictional, there are a lot of real life/relatable aspects of it that had me intrigued. *To add, I’m a fan of Tessa Thompson and Michael B. Jordan as individuals as well as them together in a movie.

For whatever reason watching both of these movies came right on time for me. The common thread is that both times I was feeling down and needed a distraction. Once I left the theater I actually felt like things would get better. I felt encouraged and related what I had just watched to my own life. That surprisingly helped me mentally.

This happened with both movies. I never had that type of experience with any movie let alone a sequel. There’s a lot of different emotions that you feel watching either movie. But it’s moving and encouraging whether you’re an athlete or not.

Like so many people, I especially related to being knocked down (figuratively) many times and having to pull myself up. Creed 2 reminded me that sometimes you gotta find new ways to come back bigger and better than before to achieve your goals.

So I hold Creed close because it has really helped me (as cheesy as it may sound). I really appreciate these movies more than anyone could know. This year has started out rough but after watching Creed 2 (finally) I have to keep in mind that things are gonna get better.

Happy New Year I guess…

It’s a new year. The beginning of another year of being single. It’s a pretty shitty feeling when you’re constantly bombarded by people who seem to be moving on with their lives by getting into seemingly meaningful/serious relationships and you’re just left feeling like “will that ever be me?” Or feeling like you’re being left behind and even forgotten.

It doesn’t help when you’re still dealing with being ghosted by someone who literally said “I’ll do right by her” but clearly didn’t right before Christmas. It sucks when you have to tell your mom yet again “no I don’t have a date” when she asks. It feels pathetic when your mom says she’ll go with you to a movie so you don’t go by yourself even though it’s a movie she doesn’t want to see.

I thought things would be way different by now but it’s getting harder and harder to believe that there is someone out there who genuinely wants me for me. The energy I feel from my mom when her friends are telling her about how their kids have bfs/gfs is nothing short of heartbreaking at this point. I know she wants grandchildren and for me to not be alone.

But the way things are going I don’t even know if it will ever happen. I’m almost 30 and everyone knows as you get older the lower the chance you have at even thinking about a future family. I don’t mean to be pessimistic but it’s hard when you’ve nursing a broken heart for the last 5 6 years. I often can’t help but think that something is wrong with me. Why doesn’t anybody want me? Why do I constantly get ghosted? What am I doing wrong?

It seems like I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t when I try to put myself out there. It’s been a lose lose situation for years now and I’m tired of it. It’s just so hard to trust because I’m constantly questioning words and behaviors because of being ghosted so many times.

I know firsthand how someone can switch up on you and act like you don’t even exist in an instant. It’s even worse when everyone wants to play matchmaker and you still end up with nothing. Literally not even 1 single date. It’s as if I have a sign over my head saying “Don’t date me”. Shitty doesn’t even begin to describe how it feels at this point.

Before I know it, the only “holiday” I dread most will be here. I wish I could just skip right over February 14th. I want things to turn around of course because I really am sick of being ghosted constantly and I’m tired of starting over having the same basic conversations. I just don’t understand why is it so hard for someone to genuinely care about me. Bringing in another year alone sucks.

I just want to move to another planet…